Rubylee at 88

Rubylee Shuman keeps a funeral file.

The file is something she has been maintaining for 25 years or so. She was motivated to start it around the time her mother died. That’s also when she bought a cemetery plot.

Rubylee is not the least bit morbid. In fact, she is a life-loving woman who continues to grow and learn and enjoy the company of others. She is also very organized and wisely independent. She needs to be. She has been on her own for over 40 years, after ending a disappointing marriage.

The file consists of instructions about how her possessions should be distributed after she passes. Her three sons and daughter-in-law know where to find the file and know its contents. Rubylee wants to minimize the angst that too many children face: having to manage the grief of their parents’ death at the same time they are clearing out a house filled to the brim with a lifetime of stuff.

Rubylee doesn’t stop often to think about her age. But when she does, she is always amazed that her life looks nothing like her grandmother’s.

“My father’s mother was an old, old lady, and she didn’t even live past 60. Her world was very small. Her life revolved around her children and she had a lot of them. Her big focus was getting the entire family together every Friday night for dinner.”

 Like her mother and grandmother, Rubylee married at a young age. She was just 20 and entering her senior year at Lesley College.

Subsequent generations have taken a different path.

“My four grandsons and granddaughters are ages 29 – 32. Not one is married. Each one is happily shacking up with a partner.”

 Rubylee smiles as she acknowledges their wisdom. She is particularly proud that her granddaughters have taken advantage of the numerous lifestyle choices available. They are thriving in creative, fast-paced careers. When Rubylee was their age, the job options for girls were limited to teaching, social work, and nursing.

Those choices might have been meager but that doesn’t diminish the pride Rubylee feels about her 30-year teaching career. Rubylee taught elementary education in so many school districts that she never reached tenure status anywhere. Her husband was an officer in the Coast Guard, and the family moved to a new location every two to three years.

There was a downside to this very transient lifestyle – she didn’t spend any of her married life in her beloved hometown of Boston – but the pluses were considerable. Rubylee fully seized the enriching opportunity to raise her three sons in Hawaii, Japan, and elsewhere.

Rubylee discovered an unanticipated bonus of living in locations where there weren’t many Jews. Once settled in a new place, she made it a priority to connect with whatever Jewish community was nearby. She offered her time, teaching Hebrew school and Sunday school where needed.  She savored the unique relationships that were made. Had they lived near larger, more established Jewish institutions, Rubylee might not have bothered to get involved and, consequently, might have missed many life-enhancing opportunities.

Rubylee reflects on some of the major challenges she has confronted over the years.

In the 1980s, at the height of the AIDS crisis, her then 30-year-old son told the family that he was gay.

“We were stunned. My mother, who was always so open-minded, couldn’t accept it. My husband’s head was in the sand. He and I were in the throes of getting a divorce. It was a lot to handle.”

Rubylee knew she needed help to understand the situation. She joined Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) to connect with others and to confront her own discomfort. Within a year, she was able to emotionally support her son and serve as a mentor to other mothers.

Those difficult days feel like ancient history. Not long ago, when one of her grandsons came out, the family merely shrugged.

“He said, ‘I’m gay’ and it was like he was telling us his eyes were blue. It was no big deal.”

The divorce was also a trying time. While it was absolutely the correct decision, Rubylee needed to make several significant changes. First, she had to decide where to plant some roots. Her days of moving every few years were over. She enthusiastically returned to Boston after a 20-year hiatus. She found a comfortable apartment. She started a job search so that she could support herself. This was no easy task for a woman in her late 40s. She was grateful to find steady employment as the executive housekeeper at the Parker House.

One of the particularly sweet aspects of life in Boston was the chance to renew old friendships. Rubylee and two friends she’d met in third grade reconnected soon after she returned to Massachusetts. The women had been close while growing up, but, once married, their lives took different paths. At age 65, when each was retired and single, they decided that it was the perfect time to begin traveling the world together.

For the next two decades, the women planned and executed a major yearly excursion. Their journeys took them to Russia, China, Jordan, in addition to multiple trips to Israel.

Rubylee was particularly fond of the small cruises that carried them down the Volga, Danube, Seine and other European rivers.

“An African safari and a journey to Australia were the only destinations on my bucket list that I didn’t do.”

 A few years ago, the threesome decided that they were no longer up for the ordeal of lengthy trips. They haven’t ended their traveling days, however. Now they head to closer destinations that are easily reachable by car, like Washington D.C. and New York’s Hudson Valley.

When she’s not traveling, Rubylee spends much of her times doing things that “keep my mind open.”

 In addition to participating in lifelong learning classes and a book club, she is a weekly volunteer at Boston’s Museum of Science. For over 25 years, she has joined other former educators to create curriculum on a vast array of science-related topics.

The focus currently on developing STEM learning tools to help young students explore science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. Rubylee finds it gratifying to be part of an effort that helps girls prepare for exciting, technical professions that were once off limits.

While feeling quite positive about her life, Rubylee finds it interesting to learn that some women in their 60s and 70s are apprehensive about aging. She acknowledges that it may require some accommodations: she can no longer swim or take long walks. Still, the opportunities to explore different aspects of life are plentiful and expanding all the time.

She offers this advice to the doubtful:

“You have lots of good living left so don’t sit around and kvetch. Sure, everything will hurt, but ignore the aches and pains, and keep going.”